so sometimes its in the darkness that we see how much progress we've really made in an area of our lives. Its easy to be all positive and sure when things are going well.  However,  when the shit hits the fan is where we see if the foundation we thought we had is really there.   I knew I had made progress in many ways. I handled things last week with some tears, minimal cussing but overall with pride in things. I had some cries for help but overall I handled things.    I thought to myself hmmm you're on the right track. As much as you've been through you are a freaking rockstar!   You handled everything that was thrown your way. You took the deep breathes when needed. There was only, I think, when I screamed "I DON"T KNOW... JUST DO SOMETHING ALREADY!!"  at someone who probably didn't deserve such harshness at the time.     But then I realize too that I'm human and you don't just wake and think ok today I am Zen and shit and I will never make a mistake or revert to old ways.  What you do realize, hopefully, is that you've made progress in this journey, you apologize for your mistake and you make amends for it.

What I also realized today is that in some areas I still have LOTS of work to do.  I thought I had this body image thing way way under control.   While I'm working on dropping weight, for a variety of reasons,  I love myself and the picture's I've been in in the last few months. I see the fierce, strong, amazing woman who has not just survived but has often times thrived in the face of adversity.   However,  that "face slap" of the work I still need to do hit me this morning.  My law school's moot court is doing a fundraiser.   Big deal right?  well it is, as a former member of moot court I want to support it. I also like wearing my school shirts and really don't feel comfy in the one i have.... with the weight gain from all the meds its just not as loose as I'd like, especially if I'm wearing layers. So ok I go to order and without even thinking I click on a 5XL. Then I have a waive of panic of "will it even fit?" so I check on sizing.  Turns out I only really need an XL, maybe a 2XL to be sure for layers.      But that isn't even close to the size I was worried about being too small.  

  More work grasshopper!


that said last night I finished up 2 of the 4 panels on Bean's curtains - at least the sewing part. And fixed the broken chair. All the dishes (except dinner dishes) were done.  The boy child is eating a metric ton of food.    But I'm so very glad I did meal prep on Sunday. Its taking lots of stress out of this week. I'm overall feeling better energy wise.. not so much of a roller coaster.

this is the shower curtain Bean chose the other day.   The old school preppy in me LOVES it.